Void

There are moments in our lives when we stare blankly ahead and just lost in the state of nothingness. it's either boredom or the complete nonsensical phase that we are in. That moment when we swear we are ready to lose everything because we are sure as hell there's nothing to lose. 


There are moments when we felt so crushed, so defeated, so betrayed that we can't even fathom how our heart could handle too much pain. There are those times when bad things happen one after the other and then you can't even grasp the courage to hope for something better but just the ability to keep on understanding the ridiculously piled up misfortunes that keep on coming. 


There are moments when even crying out loud or even making your life miserable couldn't spell out misery at all. Those moments when you felt alone, that no one ever seem to understand and you wish that everything would just end right there and then. 


There are those moments, that you absolutely feel so vulnerable, that instead of fighting you felt the need to give up. The moments when you begin to question your purpose or if there's any at all, the moment when you think you're lost in the middle of a crossroad unable to decide what to do, or not even wanting to do anything at all.


These are the moments when nothing good ever come out of your mind, but the thought of just blaming everything and everyone.


I see these moments of my life. This particular moment, the chance to start anew. A chance to see the most ridiculous chance to the most gibberish thoughts, as some sign to pursue a new road..a hope that it would lead me to a brighter path. And even though it's heartbreaking to lose the baggage behind, starting anew means leaving completely those that made me miserable behind. The seemingly true friends who betrayed me, the childhood dreams that haunted me, and maybe the career that can never be.


This is the result of an outburst. Hoping that i could settle this heavy feeling in my heart... 

My Philosophy

When I took up philosophy my main reason is as simple as, because it’s the easiest degree to enter the most prestigious University in the Philippines, I said, as soon as I got accepted, I would immediately transfer to another programme. But, I got stuck, then I told myself, since I really planned to continue at Law school afterwards, might as well finish Philo as an undergraduate, a preparatory course for law. I stayed with philosophy for four years in the University of the Philippines. Four years, wondering what the hell am I doing with myself? Four long years of more questions rather than answers for a career. I was conditioned by the idea that when you graduate college you can find a good job, but as the four years of studying Philosophy concluded, I got more confused, laughed at, and disappointed. “Wanted Philosopher?” who would want that? What is the particular career a philosophy graduate would take?

“Major in philosophy, because there's no way to make a career out of that,” by Jessica Stanley, “Twilight Saga-Eclipse” an excerpt from her Graduation Speech. This was a hard-hit speech, this is the time I became conscious of my chosen field of study. I hated myself for awhile, thinking how stupid I was to have been stuck with this major. Then, I planned to apply to business school, hoping that I could keep up with the commercial world. I became indignant with all the social sciences, thinking they weren’t practical enough to be studied at all. Friends study marketing, IT, business, the practical stuff that give them the privilege to train on companies like Apple, IBM, Mærsk. I studied philosophy that gave me the advantage to understand Inception better than they do (I guess). I said I wanted to put things together, rather than asked why I need to put them together. I wanted my life to be more practical. Be more of action, than of thought, be more on doing than on thinking, and Philosophy is far behind this perspective, I believed that my choice of philosophy as a major had failed me.

I was wrong.

Don’t major in Philosophy if you want to make money out of a career. This is the principle I contemplated so far. Conventionally, we have the idea that to graduate in college would give us a better life, a better life in the sense that we’ll have a great work in a big company, to have a salary that could buy us a big house and nice car. So, Philosophy couldn’t give this stuff. But still, I wanted to raise a premise that, Philosophy is a career. On the definition that career is a calling, not an occupation. I was ashamed of myself, that once in my life, I became resentful with being a Philosophy graduate. I don’t even want my man who constantly teasing me, that philosophy is for crazy people with crazy minds, nor my friends who would always irritate me that Philosophy graduates end up on call-centers, to be the excuse of my hasty behavior. Now, I want to say the line that I always say to my husband to defend myself: “Philosophers are not crazy people just because we have crazy (passionate) minds; you are just an ordinary person with an ordinary mind. Don’t ask me what a philosophy student/graduate will do, because we don’t do, we think. Ordinary people do, while philosophers think what the people will do. You ask what to do, how to do things, we ask WHY WE DO THINGS? And if you still don’t understand what I mean, it’s because I am the Philosophy person and not you.” (bit too harsh but I did say that)

I wish to further my knowledge in the field of philosophy, not because I lack confidence of my knowledge so far, but because I wanted to heed my calling. I believe that philosophy is a continuous process of searching the truth therefore; I want to join the search.