Detour's Mishap

I have an OC tendency (Obsessive-Compulsive), I have been very careful about things, I won’t do anything if it wasn’t written in my organizer, and if something I have written on my to-do list wasn't satisfied, even if it was at the middle of the night, I have to do it, because if not, I wouldn't have a peace of mind and everything else will be disordered. My OC-ness is the one responsible for my boring-life; it wasn’t that good to be following your self-made itinerary, so I have tried to go against it. I never thought that I would be more in trouble to be leaving my old behavior, I became impulsive on things. I make moves without prior thinking and I have had a lot of mistakes. Well, I thought at first that it would help me move on, because they say that from your mistakes you will learn your lessons…. I guess that maybe I have learned my lessons; I am just stubborn enough to apply it. Actually, my story is not really much of interest, I would not even consider it as a story, maybe it was just but any ordinary sentiments that come and go, but so long as I can feel the pain, I wanted to share this moment.

It’s not how many times that I mistook affection with love, not many times that I entered a relationship and failed, it’s because I am so impulsive in doing things that I was blinded with my impulse, I have had reasons but I set it aside. I keep on missing it: The lesson that I have to learn. I was taught to love long time ago, but he left me unguarded, so my once simple and systematic life became berserk and I tried to get even. I never became fair, I got even to people who were so innocent of my misfortune, but I had my karmas and I have suffered with them. I never forgot how I was terribly hurt by the first man I love. So there’s the detour. I go out my way to do something crazy. I made my own rules in this game and invited players to join in with the intention of beating them hard like I was beaten by their teammate (that man)… majority of the match, I emerged the winner, but I never find the fulfillment, so I’ve searched for a more challenging opponent. Then out of nowhere, I found him. I have known him long ago and I have been looking up to him, but that was the time that I am still at my controlled-self, so I never dared to challenge him, I fed myself with admirations of him back then, but I never made drastic moves like I have done now.

We met after long years of no-news, and I became excited. Having that player-spirit on me, I urged him for a match, never knowing that he himself has his own rules. I have foreseen a no-match situation, but this time the weak competitor is me, I have had the time to back out, but I was blinded with the feeling of curiosity and/or maybe I was too proud to accept that I can’t fight with him… for I can never fight where my soft-spot was hit… my heart.

When I see him, his smile, his frown, those eyes, just everything about him, I end up liking him just as much as I did, before I stopped. I guess once you love someone, there's no turning back. It's a line that will forever stay embedded deep within your heart. Because once you have loved that person, it doesn't go away, and you're forced to care, no matter how hard you try to forget about them.

I used to treat those who did me wrong with disdain and unacceptance. I was afraid that if I were to treat them nicely it would mean that I was giving them the 'go-ahead', 'thumbs-up', to hurt me again. Little did I know that I was only reaffirming that their choice to hurt me to begin with was the right choice. At that moment I don't think much of it, you know, I just can’t recognize the most significant moment of my life. Back then I thought, "There'll be other days..." I didn't realize that was the only day I have with him.

I thought I was in love with him, but  I realize it was just stupidity that struck me, I have been into this illusion for years of my life, maybe even before I realize my heart could fall in love. I was caught unguarded, I disregarded my reasons, for the excuse that, when you love, you don’t need to be rational, you just feel. But that had been my downfall. I lost. I should have stopped and tuned back when I have seen the sign, but I was overwhelmed with the attention he’s giving me. I was very happy with him, not realizing that, that very moment is still a part of my fantasy. How could I be so blind? Why did I pretend not to hear my mind talk? Now it all comes back to me, I have fallen into a pothole without anyone knowing I am there, for nobody had tried to walk within the same way, if there had been, we are all there stuck up into the very deep and dark hole. KARMA.

Why would I wallow up? Within that dark-deep-down moment of my life, I realized one thing, I wasn’t that bad…and he wasn’t that great either. From there I could start to move, to climb, and to get over that hole. Nobody could help me but myself.

I Have to move on…. Why not? Dwelling too much on the past will only make me feel miserable and I don’t want to feel miserable. The world won’t stop just because I felt such and he won’t stop for me either. I have long built myself without him and I would not be destructed just for that lost. I never lost him, he lose me…No one should ever cry for things that had been gone inevitably it happen, you could regret the lost but don’t dwell on it for long. A million words would not bring him back, I know because I have tried. Neither would a million tears, I know, because I've cried    ***(this is about the most honest quote I came across lately~!)

Memories of him were bittersweet, but rest assured I was awakened, to help me become more cautious and rational on things and to be always reminded that above all is our head. I know that the hardest part of moving forward is never looking back so you could say it’s unavoidable to be remembering the wounding moment with him. I am trying hard not to wonder about what might have been, because that was then and I have taken different roads. I can’t go back again, there’s no use giving in. And there’s no way to know, what might have been, because things were over and accept that.

I’m not about self pity. My love for him did me wrong, so I’m moving on. It hurts to see him walk away. For admit it or not, he had been an important part of my life and the time we shared will forever be a part of me. So even though I realize that it was never meant to be, still, it hurts. I just hate the feeling that someone’s holding my heart and he is crushing it so hard. Ask me how many times my heart has been broken and I will tell you to look in the sky and count the stars. For I always have the wrong turns, and right now, I was at that point in my life that I have not only made a 360 degrees turn but twice, and I am all so shaky that it did not only leave me headache but a heartache as well. I never knew how bad it hurt to lose something I never really had. I could never have everything I want.

I shouldn’t care or wonder where and how he is. But I can’t hide this hurt inside my broken heart. I’m fighting back emotions that I’ve never fought before, because I’m not supposed to love him anymore. No, I can no longer erase that foolishness I have done, but knowing I have done it with someone unworthy is much regretful. Even if my heart should call out his name in the rain. Even if these arms should want to embrace him again. And even if I’m all cried out and no longer in pain... I’ll never fall in love that way again.

Some people are just not meant to be in this life no matter how much I want him to be. Sometimes the worst thing he could do is tell me that I can find someone better than him...when at that moment all I want is him. I thought then it was so sweet, but looking back now, that was so selfish. When we met I thought my life was coming together, I realized it was just starting to fall apart. For a while I thought I would never love or hate anyone, but I have come to realize I have loved and hated the same person. Honestly.. I'm crazy about him.. but that doesn't make me stupid.. yeah, I've been hurt enough times to learn my lesson.. and I know he's not the only guy who looks at me.. I mean why would I waste my time on someone who doesn't appreciate me.. when everyone tells me I could do so much better? He knows where to find me if he ever wants me.. but my world isn't going to stop and wait for him.. if he does happen to come back.. whose to say I'll even be here when he does?

Before, choices were always so easy, I never had to choose between things that I liked and things that I liked more, but now its like that’s what my life is all about. I swear that no matter which one I pick, it seems to be the wrong one.... and I always end up losing something that I really wanted. I thought I already did the most stupid thing when I broke up with my first boyfriend, but loving him is more stupid and it is the most stupid thing I have ever done. I’d like to believe that I’ll wake up one morning and not miss him anymore. I’ll finally understand that when he broke my heart it was for a reason, one I just don’t understand yet. But when I do. I’ll know that he messed up and not me.

We hope and wish to find that special person, that one person who completes us... and it hurts so much when they love someone else. When we finally do get the person of our dreams, they leave sooner or later...gone from our life like a feather floating away never to be seen again. We cry endlessly for many nights, remembering their smile, their kind words, their warm embrace. You can't help but feel joy when you think of their sweet kisses or that special feeling you got whenever you saw them. You dream of them and wake up smiling, until you realize it was only a dream and the closest thing you have to that person are the memories and times you shared, that made it all worthwhile. I guess that's why we torture ourselves with love.

I guess what I've learned is that no one will ever be completely happy. Someone will always want to be somewhere else, be with someone they aren't, and have something they don't. And that's okay; I just can't let it take me over. To be upset over what I don’t have is to waste what I have and I don’t want to be more fool. Sometimes bad things just happen--no reason, no purpose. They just occur and we're left to pick up the pieces the best we can. It’s just that we will never stop loving someone. It's more of just learning to deal with the pain of not having them anymore.

I wonder who will I love and who will I see, but most of all I wonder who will I be? It seems like yesterday I had it all and nothing was wrong, but the times are changing and I am moving on... and I know I will be fine, it's not like the other times I've broken up with boyfriends, when I've been so heartbroken I've cried solidly for about three weeks and not wanted to go anywhere or do anything. Okay, I had that one night from hell, but since then I've been really okay, and at least I know there's no point living on false hope. At least I know it really is over so I can move on. But I have to say that this time I feel a bit numb, still in a state of shock, really, although I don't feel that my world has ended, not completely. I suppose that the light at the end of the tunnel, though not very bright, is at least still there. They say that it never hurts as much after the first time, and I suppose there's an element of truth in that, but they also say that every time you get hurt the barriers go up a little big higher and you end up being hard and cynical, and not giving anything to anyone.

Letting go is something I look forward to. The day that I let go of him, that day will be wonderful. It means that I can finally look past the fact that he want her and not me, and I will be able to accept it and not cry anymore.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, I can't go on well in life until I learned to let go of my past failures and heartaches. I'm twisted because one side of me is telling me that I need to move on. On the other side I want to break down and cry. I will always have the strength to move on, and when I do move on, I wouldn’t forget what a blessing it was to have that person became a part of my life. I know that he have impacted who I am today in some way and because of him, I will be forever changed.