Reflection:v.1.1

It just happened. 


I don't know why but at this particular moment everything seems so shaky and it feels like I'm falling deep into the ditch of nothingness. 


I felt so terribly hopeless and pathetic. Not knowing where to go and what to do. I'm depressed. 


Felt like I was being tossed and turned into the waves, leaving me not only dizzy but disoriented. It's been so long since I let it curl me around drifting in the abyss.


I lost every sense of me. 


I felt shallow. 


I felt so ordinary.


Where had my dreams gone, where had my hopes gone. Who am I kidding when I'm saying that things will be alright? 


Live one day at a time...yes, easier said than done.


I felt so pathetic.


Now I'm wondering, is it too late? Is it too late to move on? 


As I'm trying to make a "to-do-list", I was reminded, how short a day can be, and if I don't make every minute count? I will surely just be adrift into oblivion. 


There's an entire life to be ordinary, and it isn't big a deal. But being ordinary is something someone is if they play safe, if they are contented of just conforming, living with the conventional reality, trying to pass every moment without anything to do.


Being ordinary means you have forgotten the excitement of dreaming and making them come true.


Being ordinary is the person that I have tried hard not to be yet now I'm the epitome of one.


I used to get ahead of myself in everything I do, I have always tried to challenge everything, to question until I arrive at one point, interesting.


Where have I been? 


It won't help blaming the people around me. No, blaming the circumstances don't make it any clearer either. Nor does becoming apathetic and submitting to the situation at hand. It's like being in a quicksand trying to pull myself up but slowly sucking me down. 


I know that no one can help me cause this is just a state of mind. This is the time to be stubborn to fate and the circumstance, this is the time to be a brat and fight for a place into a meaningful world of purpose and dreams.


No one, not even your friends nor family, will notice that you are floating freely cause you're given up, they will think they know you enough and assume that that's just who you are and what you want. Believe me, I knew the feeling.


So if there's someone, who could make things happen, it's myself...and no one else. I can make believe of anything just so there's something that I would believe again.


I am trying to convince myself, every second of the day, that things will be better, and that somehow, something or someone out there will intervene. 


There's nothing wrong to be ordinary, but why be ordinary if we can be someone special? 

UNMASK: prelude

Things could have been better. A lot of things could have been a little better. As I lie in bed every night, some nights alone, some nights beside this dozing man that I love for almost 4 years now, I get to think of the life I had lived and reflect as to why I was once that dreamy, vibrant and full of aspiration girl to a dull, lazy, inactive woman that I am now. I keep on convincing myself that this is how things happen. This is how I suppose to be. But at the back of my mind, something, someone out there is pushing me hard. Trying to encourage me to be someone else, to assess the choices I’ve made and evaluate my role in this world. I am trying at the moment, to put everything in perspective, trying to think how and why I am here in the first place.

It’s been a routine, for almost four years now. I might say I live in a routine life. Same thing everyday, like someone is playing me up, keep on replaying my life. I’m beginning to think, where is that spontaneity that I so badly convince people to do? Where had been my life?

Much to my dismay, I really can’t answer even the simplest question of “who am i?” and “what I want?” With this that I conclude, I am lost.

No one would really understand my rants unless of course someone who cared, or some people who had believed in me all those times.

Now, I am beginning to reassess everything, and focus on what really matters, I may not end up with a happily ever after but I want to make sure that I have live up trying to believe that it’s where I’m headed. I hope in trying to write the memories I have since childhood, should I track down the once vibrant, full of hope little girl that I once was and hopefully revive my dull adult life into her.

I hope that someone out there, read this story that I will chronicle in this blog, and together we journey back in time to try to find inspiration and refuge in the carefree and inspiring life of childhood.

Void

There are moments in our lives when we stare blankly ahead and just lost in the state of nothingness. it's either boredom or the complete nonsensical phase that we are in. That moment when we swear we are ready to lose everything because we are sure as hell there's nothing to lose. 


There are moments when we felt so crushed, so defeated, so betrayed that we can't even fathom how our heart could handle too much pain. There are those times when bad things happen one after the other and then you can't even grasp the courage to hope for something better but just the ability to keep on understanding the ridiculously piled up misfortunes that keep on coming. 


There are moments when even crying out loud or even making your life miserable couldn't spell out misery at all. Those moments when you felt alone, that no one ever seem to understand and you wish that everything would just end right there and then. 


There are those moments, that you absolutely feel so vulnerable, that instead of fighting you felt the need to give up. The moments when you begin to question your purpose or if there's any at all, the moment when you think you're lost in the middle of a crossroad unable to decide what to do, or not even wanting to do anything at all.


These are the moments when nothing good ever come out of your mind, but the thought of just blaming everything and everyone.


I see these moments of my life. This particular moment, the chance to start anew. A chance to see the most ridiculous chance to the most gibberish thoughts, as some sign to pursue a new road..a hope that it would lead me to a brighter path. And even though it's heartbreaking to lose the baggage behind, starting anew means leaving completely those that made me miserable behind. The seemingly true friends who betrayed me, the childhood dreams that haunted me, and maybe the career that can never be.


This is the result of an outburst. Hoping that i could settle this heavy feeling in my heart... 

Detour's Mishap

I have an OC tendency (Obsessive-Compulsive), I have been very careful about things, I won’t do anything if it wasn’t written in my organizer, and if something I have written on my to-do list wasn't satisfied, even if it was at the middle of the night, I have to do it, because if not, I wouldn't have a peace of mind and everything else will be disordered. My OC-ness is the one responsible for my boring-life; it wasn’t that good to be following your self-made itinerary, so I have tried to go against it. I never thought that I would be more in trouble to be leaving my old behavior, I became impulsive on things. I make moves without prior thinking and I have had a lot of mistakes. Well, I thought at first that it would help me move on, because they say that from your mistakes you will learn your lessons…. I guess that maybe I have learned my lessons; I am just stubborn enough to apply it. Actually, my story is not really much of interest, I would not even consider it as a story, maybe it was just but any ordinary sentiments that come and go, but so long as I can feel the pain, I wanted to share this moment.

It’s not how many times that I mistook affection with love, not many times that I entered a relationship and failed, it’s because I am so impulsive in doing things that I was blinded with my impulse, I have had reasons but I set it aside. I keep on missing it: The lesson that I have to learn. I was taught to love long time ago, but he left me unguarded, so my once simple and systematic life became berserk and I tried to get even. I never became fair, I got even to people who were so innocent of my misfortune, but I had my karmas and I have suffered with them. I never forgot how I was terribly hurt by the first man I love. So there’s the detour. I go out my way to do something crazy. I made my own rules in this game and invited players to join in with the intention of beating them hard like I was beaten by their teammate (that man)… majority of the match, I emerged the winner, but I never find the fulfillment, so I’ve searched for a more challenging opponent. Then out of nowhere, I found him. I have known him long ago and I have been looking up to him, but that was the time that I am still at my controlled-self, so I never dared to challenge him, I fed myself with admirations of him back then, but I never made drastic moves like I have done now.

We met after long years of no-news, and I became excited. Having that player-spirit on me, I urged him for a match, never knowing that he himself has his own rules. I have foreseen a no-match situation, but this time the weak competitor is me, I have had the time to back out, but I was blinded with the feeling of curiosity and/or maybe I was too proud to accept that I can’t fight with him… for I can never fight where my soft-spot was hit… my heart.

When I see him, his smile, his frown, those eyes, just everything about him, I end up liking him just as much as I did, before I stopped. I guess once you love someone, there's no turning back. It's a line that will forever stay embedded deep within your heart. Because once you have loved that person, it doesn't go away, and you're forced to care, no matter how hard you try to forget about them.

I used to treat those who did me wrong with disdain and unacceptance. I was afraid that if I were to treat them nicely it would mean that I was giving them the 'go-ahead', 'thumbs-up', to hurt me again. Little did I know that I was only reaffirming that their choice to hurt me to begin with was the right choice. At that moment I don't think much of it, you know, I just can’t recognize the most significant moment of my life. Back then I thought, "There'll be other days..." I didn't realize that was the only day I have with him.

I thought I was in love with him, but  I realize it was just stupidity that struck me, I have been into this illusion for years of my life, maybe even before I realize my heart could fall in love. I was caught unguarded, I disregarded my reasons, for the excuse that, when you love, you don’t need to be rational, you just feel. But that had been my downfall. I lost. I should have stopped and tuned back when I have seen the sign, but I was overwhelmed with the attention he’s giving me. I was very happy with him, not realizing that, that very moment is still a part of my fantasy. How could I be so blind? Why did I pretend not to hear my mind talk? Now it all comes back to me, I have fallen into a pothole without anyone knowing I am there, for nobody had tried to walk within the same way, if there had been, we are all there stuck up into the very deep and dark hole. KARMA.

Why would I wallow up? Within that dark-deep-down moment of my life, I realized one thing, I wasn’t that bad…and he wasn’t that great either. From there I could start to move, to climb, and to get over that hole. Nobody could help me but myself.

I Have to move on…. Why not? Dwelling too much on the past will only make me feel miserable and I don’t want to feel miserable. The world won’t stop just because I felt such and he won’t stop for me either. I have long built myself without him and I would not be destructed just for that lost. I never lost him, he lose me…No one should ever cry for things that had been gone inevitably it happen, you could regret the lost but don’t dwell on it for long. A million words would not bring him back, I know because I have tried. Neither would a million tears, I know, because I've cried    ***(this is about the most honest quote I came across lately~!)

Memories of him were bittersweet, but rest assured I was awakened, to help me become more cautious and rational on things and to be always reminded that above all is our head. I know that the hardest part of moving forward is never looking back so you could say it’s unavoidable to be remembering the wounding moment with him. I am trying hard not to wonder about what might have been, because that was then and I have taken different roads. I can’t go back again, there’s no use giving in. And there’s no way to know, what might have been, because things were over and accept that.

I’m not about self pity. My love for him did me wrong, so I’m moving on. It hurts to see him walk away. For admit it or not, he had been an important part of my life and the time we shared will forever be a part of me. So even though I realize that it was never meant to be, still, it hurts. I just hate the feeling that someone’s holding my heart and he is crushing it so hard. Ask me how many times my heart has been broken and I will tell you to look in the sky and count the stars. For I always have the wrong turns, and right now, I was at that point in my life that I have not only made a 360 degrees turn but twice, and I am all so shaky that it did not only leave me headache but a heartache as well. I never knew how bad it hurt to lose something I never really had. I could never have everything I want.

I shouldn’t care or wonder where and how he is. But I can’t hide this hurt inside my broken heart. I’m fighting back emotions that I’ve never fought before, because I’m not supposed to love him anymore. No, I can no longer erase that foolishness I have done, but knowing I have done it with someone unworthy is much regretful. Even if my heart should call out his name in the rain. Even if these arms should want to embrace him again. And even if I’m all cried out and no longer in pain... I’ll never fall in love that way again.

Some people are just not meant to be in this life no matter how much I want him to be. Sometimes the worst thing he could do is tell me that I can find someone better than him...when at that moment all I want is him. I thought then it was so sweet, but looking back now, that was so selfish. When we met I thought my life was coming together, I realized it was just starting to fall apart. For a while I thought I would never love or hate anyone, but I have come to realize I have loved and hated the same person. Honestly.. I'm crazy about him.. but that doesn't make me stupid.. yeah, I've been hurt enough times to learn my lesson.. and I know he's not the only guy who looks at me.. I mean why would I waste my time on someone who doesn't appreciate me.. when everyone tells me I could do so much better? He knows where to find me if he ever wants me.. but my world isn't going to stop and wait for him.. if he does happen to come back.. whose to say I'll even be here when he does?

Before, choices were always so easy, I never had to choose between things that I liked and things that I liked more, but now its like that’s what my life is all about. I swear that no matter which one I pick, it seems to be the wrong one.... and I always end up losing something that I really wanted. I thought I already did the most stupid thing when I broke up with my first boyfriend, but loving him is more stupid and it is the most stupid thing I have ever done. I’d like to believe that I’ll wake up one morning and not miss him anymore. I’ll finally understand that when he broke my heart it was for a reason, one I just don’t understand yet. But when I do. I’ll know that he messed up and not me.

We hope and wish to find that special person, that one person who completes us... and it hurts so much when they love someone else. When we finally do get the person of our dreams, they leave sooner or later...gone from our life like a feather floating away never to be seen again. We cry endlessly for many nights, remembering their smile, their kind words, their warm embrace. You can't help but feel joy when you think of their sweet kisses or that special feeling you got whenever you saw them. You dream of them and wake up smiling, until you realize it was only a dream and the closest thing you have to that person are the memories and times you shared, that made it all worthwhile. I guess that's why we torture ourselves with love.

I guess what I've learned is that no one will ever be completely happy. Someone will always want to be somewhere else, be with someone they aren't, and have something they don't. And that's okay; I just can't let it take me over. To be upset over what I don’t have is to waste what I have and I don’t want to be more fool. Sometimes bad things just happen--no reason, no purpose. They just occur and we're left to pick up the pieces the best we can. It’s just that we will never stop loving someone. It's more of just learning to deal with the pain of not having them anymore.

I wonder who will I love and who will I see, but most of all I wonder who will I be? It seems like yesterday I had it all and nothing was wrong, but the times are changing and I am moving on... and I know I will be fine, it's not like the other times I've broken up with boyfriends, when I've been so heartbroken I've cried solidly for about three weeks and not wanted to go anywhere or do anything. Okay, I had that one night from hell, but since then I've been really okay, and at least I know there's no point living on false hope. At least I know it really is over so I can move on. But I have to say that this time I feel a bit numb, still in a state of shock, really, although I don't feel that my world has ended, not completely. I suppose that the light at the end of the tunnel, though not very bright, is at least still there. They say that it never hurts as much after the first time, and I suppose there's an element of truth in that, but they also say that every time you get hurt the barriers go up a little big higher and you end up being hard and cynical, and not giving anything to anyone.

Letting go is something I look forward to. The day that I let go of him, that day will be wonderful. It means that I can finally look past the fact that he want her and not me, and I will be able to accept it and not cry anymore.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, I can't go on well in life until I learned to let go of my past failures and heartaches. I'm twisted because one side of me is telling me that I need to move on. On the other side I want to break down and cry. I will always have the strength to move on, and when I do move on, I wouldn’t forget what a blessing it was to have that person became a part of my life. I know that he have impacted who I am today in some way and because of him, I will be forever changed.

My Philosophy

When I took up philosophy my main reason is as simple as, because it’s the easiest degree to enter the most prestigious University in the Philippines, I said, as soon as I got accepted, I would immediately transfer to another programme. But, I got stuck, then I told myself, since I really planned to continue at Law school afterwards, might as well finish Philo as an undergraduate, a preparatory course for law. I stayed with philosophy for four years in the University of the Philippines. Four years, wondering what the hell am I doing with myself? Four long years of more questions rather than answers for a career. I was conditioned by the idea that when you graduate college you can find a good job, but as the four years of studying Philosophy concluded, I got more confused, laughed at, and disappointed. “Wanted Philosopher?” who would want that? What is the particular career a philosophy graduate would take?

“Major in philosophy, because there's no way to make a career out of that,” by Jessica Stanley, “Twilight Saga-Eclipse” an excerpt from her Graduation Speech. This was a hard-hit speech, this is the time I became conscious of my chosen field of study. I hated myself for awhile, thinking how stupid I was to have been stuck with this major. Then, I planned to apply to business school, hoping that I could keep up with the commercial world. I became indignant with all the social sciences, thinking they weren’t practical enough to be studied at all. Friends study marketing, IT, business, the practical stuff that give them the privilege to train on companies like Apple, IBM, Mærsk. I studied philosophy that gave me the advantage to understand Inception better than they do (I guess). I said I wanted to put things together, rather than asked why I need to put them together. I wanted my life to be more practical. Be more of action, than of thought, be more on doing than on thinking, and Philosophy is far behind this perspective, I believed that my choice of philosophy as a major had failed me.

I was wrong.

Don’t major in Philosophy if you want to make money out of a career. This is the principle I contemplated so far. Conventionally, we have the idea that to graduate in college would give us a better life, a better life in the sense that we’ll have a great work in a big company, to have a salary that could buy us a big house and nice car. So, Philosophy couldn’t give this stuff. But still, I wanted to raise a premise that, Philosophy is a career. On the definition that career is a calling, not an occupation. I was ashamed of myself, that once in my life, I became resentful with being a Philosophy graduate. I don’t even want my man who constantly teasing me, that philosophy is for crazy people with crazy minds, nor my friends who would always irritate me that Philosophy graduates end up on call-centers, to be the excuse of my hasty behavior. Now, I want to say the line that I always say to my husband to defend myself: “Philosophers are not crazy people just because we have crazy (passionate) minds; you are just an ordinary person with an ordinary mind. Don’t ask me what a philosophy student/graduate will do, because we don’t do, we think. Ordinary people do, while philosophers think what the people will do. You ask what to do, how to do things, we ask WHY WE DO THINGS? And if you still don’t understand what I mean, it’s because I am the Philosophy person and not you.” (bit too harsh but I did say that)

I wish to further my knowledge in the field of philosophy, not because I lack confidence of my knowledge so far, but because I wanted to heed my calling. I believe that philosophy is a continuous process of searching the truth therefore; I want to join the search. 

Are you one of THESE HUMANS?

Looking around, it troubles me. Observing deeper, it worries me. Knowing more, it scares me.

Radical change of unexpected phenomena and the surfacing of circumstantial attitudes tend to go hand in hand as they cause each other’s shift of events.

Climate change maybe one of the radical change cause of the lack of concern towards the environment is not but a sign of the indifference of people nowadays, but also a sign of the ever erratic behavior of the most dangerous animal on the planet, humans.

I tend to share random thoughts of those humans who shouldn’t be tolerated at all. First on the lists are those non-biodegradables, or in a layman’s term plastics. They always make things complicated and even cause them to destroy. These plastics are the root cause of relationship to fall. They should be castrated for all I care.

How about those, blood-sucking leeches who feed on the vulnerability of the host person? They are just so on the go when they feel that these person is on its power, they attach themselves and try to feed the ego of these host, then use the benefits of being close to power just so they could boss around other people. Most of the times, plastics and leeches are one of the same person.

The Third human is on the leech family, they are called, social climbers and gold diggers, this is I think the most misconception that generalize all of foreigners when they marry abroad. Sometimes, it sucks, but we can’t hide the fact that at some point there are most who are like these, trying to use other people for their money, to afford them of all material things. In this world of conventional reality where money seems to rule over everything this is an inevitable phenomenon.

My last set of humans, are those who are now lacking the most common virtue of compassion, respect and gratitude. Some people now can’t even show respect to other people anymore. Most often than not, they want to feel good on the company of the plastics and leeches rather than to battle out the troubles on the company of those who really care. They seem to ignore and even brush off the only person who could help them in exchange for the good times (parties, assuring words of gossips and egoistic chants) from the group of misleading people. Most often, these set of people are those you think are your most closest friends or even part of those you consider family, beware as they are the ones that could destroy you more than anyone else.

Looking around, observing deeper, knowing more, we should be vigilant, cause in this world full of disguised demons it’s only fitting to fight for survival, and it’s only fitting to always be cynic, cause we don’t know that we might as well have these features. Just be safe and be cautious, be skeptical and most of all, BE YOURSELF.